Deal with Difficult Adults

To all Parents,

Take a moment to consider your actions and the resulting consequences. Specifically, consider what happens to your kids when every time they have a conflict with a teacher or coach you bail them out. Every time they come into contact with difficult adults (and they will) you try to change their situation. You try to get the coach fired, switch classes, switch schools, churches, clubs, etc. What happens when you are constantly allowing them to avoid being taught and coached by adults they don't like (adults who are probably really awesome people but just like everyone else in life will sometimes not agree with everyone, see your child).

Here is what happens to those kids:
-They see that every time a conflict arises there is no need to develop conflict resolution skills.
-They see that everyone who disagrees with them is wrong and that there is not even a chance that they have done something wrong.
-They learn that instead of sticking it out, just run to a new situation.
-They learn that they are the center of the universe and everyone else must conform to their desires.
-They learn that when they have a problem at work they can simply bail and find a new job.
-They don't learn that sometimes life is hard and that the "grass is not typically greener" and that life is not perfect.
-They learn that peace and satisfaction can be found if they just keep looking hard enough for the perfect situation instead of learning that they can't change other people, only themselves.
-They learn to be dissatisfied.
-They learn to switch churches whenever something doesn't please them just the way they feel they deserved to be treated.
-They learn (MOST CONCERNING to ME) that everyone should exist to please them and when their marriage hits a rough patch and they haven't been taught coping and resolving skills they leave and quit.

Parents: If you value your kids success and prosperity over their happiness, allow your kids to deal with difficult adults now, because they will be doing it the rest of their lives.

Adventure is Out There! Keep Moving Forward!

The title of this article is borrowed from two of my favorite Disney Movies; Up and Meet the Robinson's.  I loved both of these movies so much that I designed my own shirt with the saying "Adventure is Out There...Keep Moving Forward" on it the last time I was at Disney.  I proudly wore it around the park and received several positive comments for the sentiment I was sharing.  If you haven't seen either of these movies I highly recommend them and even if you aren't a fan of animated movies or Disney pics the lessons you can learn are well worth the time.

I have recently been confronted with the fact that what constitutes an adventure for some equates to an annoyance for others.  Same challenge, different lens. Some look at challenges as opportunities or ADVENTURES while others look at the same challenges as ANNOYANCES.  I believe that how we view challenges is an attitude, heart and maturity issue.  It is a life altering decision to look at problems as adventures and not annoyances.

Two stories to illustrate my point.  I am blessed to Teach and Coach in a growing and striving ministry.  We have both a large church and large Christian School located on our property.  Occasionally these ministries "bump" into each other due to a lack of space.  Recently we had one of those "bumps" when part of our school was forced to re-locate for one day to another building on campus.  Some teachers and classes were majorly affected and all others were at least in some way put out.  Nothing major and it only lasted a day.  Typically the kids were fine and loved the change of routine and scenery.

During the day two types of teachers, and attitudes, emerged.  One was the adventure and one was the annoyance attitude.  I asked several teachers how their day went and the response was "the kids loved it.  They thought it was so cool to get to try something new and have a new classroom.  It was an adventure."  Without a doubt, those kids learned a valuable lesson in flexibility and probably learned a bunch in school that day."  However, another group of teachers and attitudes also emerged.  This group made comments like "this was awful, the kids didn't learn anything, how am I supposed to teach like this."  Unfortunately, those kids probably didn't learn much that day (at least anything positive).  Same set of circumstances (which weren't ideal, but were certainly manageable), yet far different responses.  As a leader we need to see challenges as adventures and opportunities, not annoyances.

The last story occurred a few weeks later.  After teaching all day and then coaching soccer practice for 2 hours I was headed off to do my taxes.  My truck had been acting up and I was planning to get it worked on (hopefully with a fat tax refund check in the bank) in the next few days.  We loaded up the two boys and headed out.  We stopped for gas, filled up, and then it happened.  Truck died.  Not kinda, sorta, wouldn't start, but dead and no amount of jumper cables was bringing it back to life.  It was about 38 degrees and we had two hungry boys in the truck and we were 10 miles from home and 10 miles from our destination.  It was getting dark fast.  Time to see if I believed this was an adventure or an annoyance.  Bravely I told my 3 year old that we were on an adventure.  He bought it, even though I wasn't so sure myself.  For the rest of the night he kept telling everyone that he was on an adventure, and he believed it.  Through some lucky circumstances (I believe some divine intervention and heavenly blessings) the truck was started by a local mechanic and returned home.  My wife's cousin happened to be traveling through the area and her dad happened to be our tax person.  My wife and two boys were safely delivered to their home while I returned the truck to our house and retrieved our car.  Plus the truck was an easy and free fix once we figured out the problem.  The point is... A rough situation became an adventure, not an annoyance or catastrophe.  I learned a valuable lesson from my three year old:

The leader sets the tone and decides if it is an adventure or an annoyance.

A Simple Test

Last night at Youth Group we did a simple test to check our priorities and see what is important to us.  We were talking about the process of refining and how as Christians Christ refines our lives and aims to remove the impurities.  Regardless of your value system a process of evaluation and refining your priorities is extremely powerful and helpful.  It was helpful to me and really eye opening.  Give this a try.  It won't take long and may help you re-center your focus and priorities.  It will definitely help you to see what is important in your life.  After the test, I have a simple question for you to consider (For maximum effectiveness don't skip ahead and answer the question until you have completed the 3 tasks in the test.)

Task #1
-On a sheet of paper write down different parts of your life that you consider important and valuable.  Think closely about the different things you do each day/week and the relationships that are important to you.  Think about hobbies and interests.  Try to get 16-20 different things written down.  Here is my sample list:


Teacher
Coach
Follower of Jesus Christ
Husband
Basketball Coach
Sports Fan
Father
Soccer Coach
Youth Leader
Son
Brother
Facebook/Twitter
Reading
Working Out/Exercising
Traveling
Blogging


Now go through and cross off the one item that is least important to you and circle the item that is most important to you.  Continue to do this until everything is either crossed off of circled.  You may have some tough choices near the "middle of the list."  This process of elimination and selection should provide you with 7-10 of the most important things in your life.  What observations about your new list have you made?  For me I noticed that people and relationships remained while activities were eliminated.

Task #2

Look at your "half list" of most important values and items from your life and rank them in order from most to least important.


Task #3

Write down every value/item/relationship from your list that you wouldn't give up for $1,000,000.  You may have more or less items from your "half-list."  For example:  I wouldn't trade my Wife for $1,000,000.  Same thing for my faith, kids or parents. So they go on the list.  However, for $1,000,000 I would gladly give up Facebook and Twitter, so they are left off this list.  Traveling, Reading and Exercising are much closer calls for me personally.  I probably wouldn't trade those items out of my life for $1,000,000.

Take a look at those lists again and then scroll down and answer the question below:













Is how you spend your time in proportion to how valuable you consider each part of your life?

Instructions are Important

If you are a Leader, Coach or Teacher you know the importance of instructions.  You give them constantly and hopefully they are followed closely.  You are also receiving instructions daily.  I know of no leaders who never have to listen to stakeholders.  Go ahead and try to think of someone who is not accountable to anyone... Coaches listen to parents, administrators, officials, etc.  Teachers, of course follow the instructions given by administrators, parents, curriculum, etc.  Maybe Entreprenuers??? No way.  They need to listen and follow directions and instructions better than anyone.  All of our jobs depend on listening to and following instructions.

What type of instructions do you like to receive?  Vague and non-specific?  Or succinct, accurate and easy to follow?  Of course we all know the answer.  My son loves to give instructions.  He tells me what to do and how to do it.  He gives me my schedule for the day and tells me what he expects of me.  The other day I was listening to him and his instructions went something like this:  "We are going to play toys and you are going to build me a nest (pile of pillows and blankets), then lets fly to the ceiling and jump off and then, MONSTERS!  HIDE! and then make me some breakfast and milk."  It was hard to please him because I didn't know what his instructions were.  That got me thinking "Do I generally give clear and easy to follow instructions?"  Or am I like my son and all over the place

Here are a few suggestions to make sure that the instructions you give are easy to follow and gain cooperation.

1.)  Make sure your instructions are able to be followed.  When you are communicating with a follower be sure that they can complete the task.  Nothing is more frustrating than being given a task that you are not able to complete.  Are your instructions able to be accomplished.

2.)  Do they make sense to people beside yourself?  My dad told me about a teaching conference he went to years ago.  All of the teachers (very bright and knowledgeable) were asked to write up a list of instructions on how to make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.  Simple, Right?  Not even close.  My dad told me that one by one the leader went down through the written instructions and followed literally.  The result was comical.  Most didn't include to take the lids off the jars or to open the bread and to use a knife, etc.  The leader was using his finger to spread jelly on a loaf of bread in a bag or putting peanut butter on the table.  Think through what you are asking your followers to do and make sure it makes sense to someone who is not you.  Don't assume anything!

3.)  Keep it simple.  Have you ever been given a set of instructions that include 9 points and 7 subpoints under each one.  Its paralyzing to your followers.  If a process has more than 3 or 4 steps try to find a simpler way of getting the task complete.

4.)  Give guidelines and suggestions.  Don't be set in stone.  Most things have some flexibility in how they can be completed.  Use phrases like "this is how I would do it" or " I would suggest trying this."  Empower your followers to find their own solutions to the problems they face.  Support them whenever needed but allow your instructions communicate some flexibility.

5.)  Give specific outcomes, resources and timelines.  Be exact in what you expect them to accomplish, not how they are to accomplish it.  Be specific in exactly what help they will have in accomplishing their task.  Set a timetable for completion and get out of the way as your followers are accomplishing the mission.

Hopefully a few of these suggestions will help you give better instructions to your followers and will help them increase their productivity and lower your "babysitter" factor.

Leaders are Learners

Leaders are Learners.  End paragraph.  I will save you time by not elaborating or trying to convince you.  Simply put, Leaders are Learners. If you are done learning you are done.

Now that we have established that fact, let's look at some ways you can keep learning.  HINT*** It has never been easier thanks to technology to keep learning and keep growing.

1.) General Internet Resources.  There are a million ways to learn online and most are free.  Here are two of my favorites just to give you a taste of what is available online and for free:

Leadership Article from Dave Ramsey

John Maxwell Homepage

There are many other resources available as well.  Spend just 10-15 minutes a day reading online to improve your leadership effectiveness.  The trick is that you will never exhaust the resources that are available to you online.  As you gain mastery and exposure in one area you will be  lead into many other areas.  As you gain insight from one author you will come into contact with other authors that will challenge and inspire you.  One new idea or area of wisdom will open doors to new areas of wisdom.

2.)  Specific Internet Resources.  For me right now I am zeroing in on the approaching soccer season.  I am on Youtube daily finding videos to give me new insights on soccer coaching.  I am being taught drills and strategies from coaches all over the world.  What would have taken hundreds of dollars and countless hours of travel 20 years ago, I can now accomplish in just a few minutes each day.  I can learn from the best soccer coaches.  Great leaders are always willing to share.  Great leaders realize their success was built on the shoulders of someone else and they want to pass along that help to others.  Whatever leadership position you are in, search out ways online to get better.

3.)  Twitter and Social Media.  Yes, these can be colossal time wasters, but social media can also be a great tool.  It all depends who you follow and what links you choose to click on.  Social Media is another great way to learn, when you have discipline.  Quit taking "personality quizzes, "what celebrity you look like tests", etc. and begin following the people who are changing the world.  Read what they have to say.  Never before have we been able to access the greatest minds of our generation so quickly and easily and cheaply.  Take advantage of Social Media.  Turn it into a tool in your growth arsenal.

4.)  Podcasts.  I never get on a bus trip (soccer and basketball coaching), mow the lawn or workout without having downloaded some podcasts.  For me, I quit listening to music when doing chores, and tuned into podcasts.  Again, great leaders want to share their wisdom with us.  For FREE! most of the time.  Make a 30 minute workout doubly productive by learning from a master leader while also getting some exercise.

5.)  Conferences.  There are so many opportunities to learn via conferences and Seminars.  Be specific or general when picking a conference to attend.  There are leadership conferences, coaching clinics, Classes at Church, whatever, that you can attend.  Get out there and learn from some great leaders.  You will also have the opportunity to network with other growing and developing leaders at these conferences.  Find people who are growing and get around them.

Final Point:  Be intentional about growth.  Control what, and who, you are learning from.  Getting exposed to a few dynamic and world changing people and ideas will likely increase your appetite for more similar experiences.  Set aside time in your schedule for growth.  15-30 minutes a day of growth can save you hours and hours down the road as you become more effective.

If you want to lead, you have to learn.

The Flywheel Principle

In Jim Collins' awesome book "Good to Great" he explains the flywheel principle.  It is an incredible principle and one every leader should take note of.  Collins is a well respected and accomplished author and leader.  While most of his work deals with corporate experiences in a business setting he outlines principles that every leader could learn from.  "Good to Great" is one of the best leadership books I have ever read.  I highly recommend it to any Leader, Coach or Teacher who is looking to improve their organization.

The Flywheel Principle can be explained this way:  Imagine a giant wheel (think merry go round or very old time grinding mill with large wooden spokes sticking out).  It is your job to get the flywheel spinning.  Keep in mind it is gigantic and weighs tons (literally).  It is a huge job and one that certainly will not be easy, even with great effort.  The first day you walk in to the room with the flywheel it is obvious it hasn't been used in awhile.  There are cobwebs everywhere and the wheel itself shows signs of misuse and inactivity.  It is rusty and clearly not in great working order.  It will spin, but will need to be used to get it back in shape.  Remember, your job is to get it moving and to keep it running.

You put your hand on one of the spokes and begin to push.  It is even heavier than expected.  You push and strain to no avail.  Never a quitter you keep it up for about 45 minutes and yet the thing hasn't budged.  After a quick break where you contemplate quitting you decide to give it another try.  You are more determined than ever and finally the creaky thing has budged an inch or so, but immediately settles back into its original place.  Buoyed by the experience of making it move you redouble your determination (just the fact that you know it can move is an exciting and inspiring revelation) and now within  a few minutes you not only make it move but it doesn't go back to resting.  A few more hours of work and it has made a quarter turn.  Now spectators are forming to watch this seeming miracle of effort.  Now that you have company (and a few people to impress), some increased belief and forward momentum you manage to get the next quarter turn completed in only half an hour.  The next quarter turn takes on 10 minutes and the final quarter is completed in 2 minutes as you gain encouragement and the machinery begins to loosen up.  You also have the flywheel moving which means you have forward momentum working in your favor.

The spectators are so inspired that a few join in and grab a spoke.  Now that the wheel is moving, the machine is operating, and others have joined in the next rotation only takes 2 minutes total.  What seemed impossible only hours earlier is happening right before your eyes.  You have inspired others to help and things are moving.  On the third rotation your energy is wearing down and you fear that if you take a break the wheel will grind to a halt.  But to your surprise there are more and more spectators eager to join in.  You have inspired the crowd to join in the work and while you sit out there are other people ready to join the process of spinning the wheel.  With the forward momentum, the fresh workers with fresh energy and the belief that it is possible the wheel spins fully in only a minute.  Now you are ready to rejoin the work.  Because of the effort expanded on the initial push you are much stronger physically and mentally and find the pushing a breeze on the next rotation.  It takes only 30 seconds to make the wheel spin.  Somewhere on the 5th rotation (which takes only about 20 seconds) you realize you are barely pushing.   The forward momentum created earlier in the effort is doing most of the work.

Moral of the Story:  In the beginning the work will be hard and likely lonely.  You will be working with substandard processes or worn out machinery.  You will work incredibly hard to get things started.  Keep with it.  Several things will happen:  1.)  You will be gaining vital strength  2.)  You will begin to inspire others to join in the work.  3.) Your experiences will inspire you to believe that it is possible to accomplish the task.

Whether starting a new position or looking for a new start in an old position:  Hang in there, Keep grinding.  Your work is not in vain.

Let Them Blow Off Steam

Over the weekend I dealt with a situation in which I was completely dissatisfied with a company for their customer service.  I had reserved a rental car from a certain company on Friday night for an event on Saturday.  I received a confirmation notice and everything was set.  On Saturday (after finalizing plans for the event on Saturday) I received a call stating that they wouldn't be able to fulfill the reservation.  I was very upset and frustrated.  I had spent several hours making plans and reserving the vehicle, making arrangements, etc. for the event.  I wrote the company a polite, but firm email stating my displeasure with their service.  By Sunday they had responded in a very professional nature (as I am sure they have been trained to do) hoping to make things right.  After reading their response, which contained at least several apologies, and offers of free rental cars for my next event, I found I was very much at peace with what had happened.  I declined their offer for the free cars after hearing that this was a one time glitch and not a regular occurrence.

What had changed?  Why had I been so put out on Saturday and then by Sunday I was again a satisfied customer?  #1 is that they had listened to my concerns and offered a sincere apology.  #2 They explained the situation and promised to do better in the future.  #3  I have had a positive experience when working with them in the past.  Let's break down each of these reasons for my change of heart and how I went from being upset to a satisfied customer in the span of one email:

#1  They listened to my concerns and admitted that a mistake had been made.  They Listened and Admitted that a mistake had been made.  They didn't become defensive or try to make excuses.  They didn't blame anyone or anything else.  Obviously a mistake had occurred.  It would have been pointless to try to deny that.  They didn't escalate the situation by passing the blame on to someone else.  They allowed me to state my case and "blow off some steam."  They took my pressure gauge from the danger zone down to the point where I could again think rationally and could come to an understanding.

Next time you are dealing with an irate follower, player, parent, church member, customer, etc. try this strategy.  Listen and try to understand.  Many times just the simple act of listening and allowing them to blow some steam is enough to satisfy them.  Think about the last situation you were in where it seemed like no one cared enough to listen to you.  Those feelings of frustration can just build up to the point where you do something stupid.  Allow the people you serve to have an opportunity to release some of that frustration.  Bring them into your office (or wherever) and allow them to share their concerns.  Whenever necessary admit that mistakes were made and promise to find a solution to them.  It is way better and 10 times more efficient to have them vent to you then to the rest of the world.

#2  After your followers have had their chance to blow off steam and get everything on the table it is then time to come back and explain how things look from your perspective.  Never try to explain or defend while they are in the midst of blowing off their steam.  After they have "emptied their gun" it is your time to explain the situation.  Just like you want to see things from their perspective it is important for them to see things from yours.  Once you have listened, admitted mistakes if necessary they are hopefully going to be open and receptive to listen to you and possibly even admit that they failed in a few areas as well.  That is the ideal scenario.

#3  Build positive experiences with people so that when things do go awry you have something to fall back on.  If you have worked with or lead someone for a decent amount of time you should have built up some credibility with that person.  You should have a track record of doing the right thing so that when something does go amiss you can both realize the mistake and realize it is more likely a "one time thing" than a habit.  The first two points in this post are reactive (what to do after something has gone wrong) whereas this point is proactive (building positive elements everyday into relationships).  The more time you spend being proactive the less time you will need to spend reacting to problems.

I hope a few of these points will help you in dealing with the inevitable bumps along the way that every leader encounters.