The scene is a very familiar one. We are at Walmart and a few rows over we hear a loud screaming fit. Someone wants something and they are not getting what they want. It is usually followed by tears, screams and accusations. Typically, when I am at Walmart, all I want is to go home. And yes, I have been known to throw a fit or two when it becomes clear I am not going to be getting what I want any time soon.
Think about it... The source of most conflicts in life have to do with wanting something, but not getting it. A common one for me is that I want my team to win a game. Something is preventing that from happening. How do I respond? I have been known to get upset at the refs, blame the other team or be mad at one of my own players. Something is preventing me from getting what I want so I get mad. Other cases may be you want your kid to do well in school. When that isn't happening how do you respond? Do you yell at your kid, blame the teacher, blame the school, etc. How should we respond when we don't get what we want? James 4:1-2 says "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have, so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel..."
These verses make it pretty clear that our pleasures (things we want) are at war with us. We fight and quarrel because we don't get our way or get what we think we deserve. I am seeing pretty clearly lately that the source of almost all of my problems revolve around not getting what I want. The bigger issues in my life come when I feel that I am being cheated out of something I think I "deserve." Advertisers are great at creating discomfort with our lives. We become dissatisfied with life and get the notion that we deserve something. McDonalds is great at making us think we "deserve to take a break" and buy one of their icy, cold treats. Car companies tell us we "deserve" a better car.
Let's look at some ways to respond when we aren't getting what we want:
1.) Take a step back and be glad we don't get what we deserve. Ultimately, we are all "sinners saved by grace." None of us are righteous. We deserve to receive Hell. Let's be thankful we don't get what we deserve.
2.) Quit looking at things in a win/lose framework. Sure, you feel like a winner when you sign a deal, win a game or defeat someone else. However, you shouldn't feel like a winner when you win and a loser when you lose. Sometimes things will go your way, sometimes they won't. Quit basing your value on the outcome of certain situations. Judge your value on your effort and execution, not the results.
3.) Quit looking at things from a shortsighted perspective. To use the example of the kid not doing well in school and the parent getting upset. Shortsighted people try to rush in and fix the situation to help the kid out (in their minds). They may have him drop a tough course, switch teachers or do the work for them to help them improve (all common responses that I have witnessed). What lesson is your kid learning? Are you teaching them concepts that will help them in the long run? Are you helping them become a better person? Think about it from a coaching standpoint. Shortsighted people yell and scream at a ref, a player or an opponent when things aren't going well. All of these are destructive to the ultimate goal of coaching. Look at not getting your way as an opportunity to learn and to grow. Learn from the moments when you are losing.
4.) Don't think that success entitles you to anything. Recently, I had a conversation with someone who was talking about guys who have done well financially. He was mentioning how they think everything else in life should go their way simply because they have money. He said these guys feel entitled to have their kids be good in sports and school, receive whatever they want from their church or civic organization, and get treated like royalty simply because they have earned some money. These guys get treated some places like kings because they can throw around their money and they come to expect to receive whatever they want in all situations in life.
Hopefully this provides a little thought provoking material to help you the next time you are not getting what you want. Think about these things and hopefully process the events in a better and more beneficial manner next time around.
